intuitiveblue.net

Why, I do not know. And I think my dog and I must be cosmically connected because once I was awake (though I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling), Loshka was awake. And now we have taken our usual positions with me on the computer and her at my feet, chewing on a rawhide. Which she insists on chewing over my foot for some reason.

I was feeling kind of pensive as I woke, and realized my facebook profile was not the proper place to share my feelings. For some reason, I feel all wise and relieved, as though I’ve finally figured out this getting over my Ex thing.

I told you the new Alanis album was a godsend.

I’m tired of him being in my thoughts all the time. So I’ve let go. I’m tired of being some pathetic girl who’s had to bravely put her best face forward and go on. Because everyone knows it’s just a mask. Everyone can see through it to the tears and the sorrow and the doubt that corrodes my self worth. Which is retarded, because I’ve never been the kind of girl to define herself by a man.

I am independent. I am strong. I am damn smart. I am beautiful. I can finally actually say, I have kind of a hot body. I am not good with modesty.

But the point is this: I am fine alone. I was fine alone before the Ex. I had actually resigned myself to never finding someone to spend my life with. And you know what, I did anyway. Her name is Loshka.

I had this hysterical moment yesterday, while I was packing up my bedroom (we’re moving to a 2BR this weekend in the same complex). Loshka was sitting calmly on my bed, and I nuzzled up to her, and with bittersweet tears in my eyes I looked at her and I said, “No, Loshka, YOU are the love of my life.”  (and maybe it was Torch playing in the background that made me all sentimental, but whatev.)

And I realized, life does just go on. But you have to let it. You have to go with it and know when what has passed is past. You have to forgive yourself for whatever it takes to heal your heart, even when society would pass judgment on you for making “bad” decisions. You just accept that those things are what it took to get you through. You appreciate them, you leave them behind.

But then there are the small things you keep. Like the box with his name on it that is newly packed to reside in the back of my closet in the new place. I’m just not ready to toss it. Kind of like he’s still not ready to talk to me. And that’s fine. Today, I am tired of caring. So one more thing I am ready to leave behind.

And next time I see him, yes, I will wave. But I will not then go into the bar and shake until I am steadied by a blueberry cosmopolitan. I will not seek to have my charm, beauty and self worth validated by some stranger’s interest in me. Instead, I will smile and know that the circle is complete.

That really, I am fine. I am healed. I am whole.

Thank you to everyone who has been patient with me and part of that process.

I didn’t have the heart to buy the bark collar.

Instead, I got her some new stuff to chew on and a giant pop-up crate that I will be taking with me when I go home to the parents’ tomorrow.  I’m kind of excited to check out Mom’s gym (the same chain I go to) with her tomorrow, but it’s going to take some effort to talk her into going.  And I have an “elite” membership, so I can bring a guest, and I’m thinking of dragging Dad along too.  We’ll see.

I am baking some salmon for lunch right now.  Seriously, it’s the easiest and tastiest thing ever:  Take a frozen salmon fillet (I get the generic kind at Kroger), and place it in a small glass baking pan that’s been sprayed with some non-stick spray (I use the organic canola oil Pam).  Then squeeze a small bit of lemon juice on the salmon, cover it in minced garlic (I get the kind in the jar, so convenient!), and sprinkle it with cayenne pepper.  Then take half a lemon and slice it into three(ish) rounds, and put those on top of the salmon.  Bake until done.  Voila!

And that’s even Fat Flush friendly (with the exception of the non-stick spray, but whatev).

So, I know it’s a little annoying, but get used to the happy Aqua.  I think she’s staying around for a while.

Okay so I lied.  Moratorium is my favorite song on the new Alanis album.

But yet again, I do say with confidence that this cd (along with my new perspective on the direction in which my life is going) has helped me turn a very big corner in my recovery from my broken heart.  I am finally healing.  It is such a fucking relief.

What I didn’t say yesterday was that after all the weighing and measuring, I got inspired to see if I had met the final test of my weight loss:  Did my skinny size 4 left-weave curvy fit jeans from the Gap fit me again?  YES.  Yes?  YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!

So I was in a ridiculous mood yesterday, having met the true goal of my working out and dieting and all of that.  And there I was, thinking I was stuck at some plateau.  So of course I had to celebrate and drank five beers and had a bar hotdog and tons of peanuts while hanging out with Navy, Slate, the Professor, and Captain Caveman at our bar.  But what a good night.  What a good week!

However, it was not good when Loshka decided to wake me at 5:55 this morning, barking, so I am off to PetSmart for a bark collar today.  I really really hate to do it (I think they’re mean) but I have neighbors and I probably wouldn’t do it if I lived in a house.  But I can’t have a dog who’s a nuisance.

So, along with taking back the red dress that I bought last weekend (seriously, it might look amazing, but it looks a little TOO amazing, and I just don’t know if I have the nerve to actually wear it), I do have a couple of errands to run today.  And I have to go to the gym twice because I skipped last night to celebrate.

Which means it’s entirely possible that the jeans DON’T fit today.  Haha.  That would figure.

So I am finally Fat Flushing. It sucks, but today my scale said 140.5 and not 143, so that is exciting. Though my trainer tells me it’s more like 138 because I weighed in at the gym yesterday. And did body fat percentage (24.8% or so). This is a marked improvement from 158 and (I think) 29% at the end of February.

Seriously, people, if you’re fat, go to the gym. It isn’t as hard as it seems at first. And it is so worth it.

Alanis Morissette’s new album came out this week, and I downloaded it yesterday. Put it on the iPod (thanks again, Ex) and burned it to cd for the car. AND IT IS AMAZING. So far, the best line of the whole cd is the first line of the chorus to Straitjacket:

This shit’s making me crazy

And I’m like seriously, how do you argue with that? But my favorite song is Not As We:

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I’m barely making sense for now
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

You know, this album is going to save me. Like On Your Shore did after the last miserable breakup. I’ve found my soundtrack.

And I was reminded this weekend that there are actually other men I might have a real interest in out there. Maybe it wasn’t the way I would have planned it, the reminder that I do deserve someone who has his shit together was nice. And I will be disappointed if he doesn’t call.

But failing, thanks to La Loshka.  Seriously, what the fuck is her problem?

Made much progress on the to-do list today.  Got my first doctor appointment scheduled (but not my dentist or my eye doctor), got Loshka’s vet appointment scheduled for her girl parts, talked to several nice people at Citibank, EdFinancial and Sprint about student loans and phone insurance.  Need to run my offer letter by the apartment office so they can process my new apartment that I will be moving into two weeks from today.  Should do that now, but I want to finish this post first.

Anyway.  I was very distraught to learn that I, in fact, do owe approximately $204,000 in student loans.  Which is more than my parents’ mortgage.  I also learned that most places are not doing federal student loan consolidations at the moment, so my attempt at having one low monthly payment for said monstrous debt has been foiled (for now).  On the upside, even without consolidation, the most I would have to pay each month is $2200.  Right.  Seriously, who the fuck could afford THAT?  So it looks like I will have to try and consolidate after this new rate cut that is supposed to happen in July.  Or I will look at selling my high-quality (and likely to be used NEVER) eggs.

What a depressing day.

At least I got some shit done.

And finally, this blog is a short timer.  I have decided, upon entry to the professional world during the second week of August, this blog will cease to be.  Sorry to disappoint, but I like the idea of being able to keep my job.  You know, so the demon puppy doesn’t starve.

So I’ve been grooving to Vanessa Carlton lately.  Good times.

Last night, Loshka tried to eat my new Blackberry.  But she did not succeed.  She got the cover to it, but not the phone.  Couple scratches, but I can live with that.  Good thing for phone insurance, cause with this dog, I will need it.

I keep running into my ex-boss at the gym.  Kind of awkward, but not as awkward as would be if I was still working for him.  So that’s kind of oddly interesting.

I’m about to run out this afternoon and grab Jen Lancaster’s latest Such A Pretty Fat.   I promised myself I couldn’t buy it until I finished Bitter is the New Black, which I finally finished last night.  I read them out of order, finishing Bright Lights, Big Ass way before I ever even bought Bitter is the New Black.  Anyway, Jen totally reminds me of Yolanda, my kick ass opinionated best friend.

I guess I’m getting into a better mood–I know I’ve been whiny lately, but I can’t be perfect all the time.

And tonight, I am going out with Navy and her friend N., whose ex(?)’s dogs are Loshka’s parents.  So I will do my best to not bitch about my evil puppy tonight.  And then tomorrow, there is yet another awesome party I will have to attend.  Good times, right?

Yesterday, the air went out at the law school, so we had to sweat through Bar Review.  So today, I dressed for more sweat, and wouldn’t you know it–the air is fixed and I am freezing my ass off.  At least said ass is considerably smaller.

Last night, I had all kinds of insane dreams.  I woke up this morning intent on chopping off my hair, but then I came to my senses.

And I really need to get my schedule together because I can’t seem to find enough hours in the day to get all my shit done.  Which really sucks considering I’m getting less than seven hours of sleep a night.  (Loshka wakes every day no later than 6:45 am.)

Finally, I have taken a vow of celibacy.  I know you care.

So I’ve managed to exercise a surprising amount of self control since Tuesday.  And proud to be getting back to myself.  In fact, I am journaling and writing bad poetry again.  I hadn’t done that in ages.  And if you’re (un)lucky, I might even post some of it here.  Ha.

On a mission to kick the last few pounds.  I’m thinking of stepping up my cardio to every morning, and also in the afternoon on days I don’t work with my trainer.  And let me also say that the new(est) one is awesome.  Love him.  Personal training is one indulgence that is worth every freaking penny.  I think I might be becoming an addict.

So the reason for the two weeks of sobriety was an intent to try and Fat Flush.  To kick those last few pounds.  But I really don’t think I have the discipline to do it.  Would I be trying to do too many new things at once?  Probably.

Also, a few product recommendations:

1. Ojon Ultra Hydrating Shampoo - $18
2. Ojon Ultra Hydrating Conditioner - $22
3. Ojon Rub-Out Dry Cleanser - $24
4. Ojon Restorative Hair Treatment - $55
5. Smashbox Bionic Mascara - $19

So I have no idea how I lived before I discovered dry shampoo, which is what #3 is.  I have two bottles of it, one in my bathroom and one in my gym bag.  You can actually use this stuff after a hard workout and your hair will look like it did prior to your sweatfest.  It’s AMAZING.  And volumizing, too.

I was always a big doubter of salon hair products, but the Ojon line has actually led to me, Aqua the dry-hair-like-straw girl, having soft, shiny and gorgeous hair.  I am actually thrilled with my hair texture for the first time in my life.  It’s easier to style and actually takes me less time to do in the morning.  Kick ass.

I indulged myself with some new mascara yesterday, and it’s fab.  I pretty much love anything by Smashbox, but this mascara is worth a mention on the blog because it is that awesome.  I swear, besides the BlackBerry, Sephora is my new crack.

Guess I oughta get dressed and return these god awful navy sandals I had to buy for the wedding last week.  Didn’t wear them–they were really just too ugly.